Regrets
by addine995
Summary: It's been a year since Frank and April's divorce. How have their lives turned out? Do they still remember their intense relationship? Have they forgiven each other? Mostly told by Frank's POV. Oneshot. Please R&R.


It was another of the many lonely nights Frank Wheeler spent... No matter the fact that it's been nearly a year since he's started living on his own, he still hadn't got used to it... Of course, he was better off this way, away from April, away from their bad relationship... He tried to convince himself so every night he went to bed. Every night he spend alone on a huge bed in a small, dirty apartment...

He had sold the car in order to find a decent place to live in. The money he earned from Knox after his promotion were good, but for the past three months he was working somewhere else, on a smaller business somewhere far away from where he stayed... He just couldn't stay in Knox... It reminded him so bad of April and of their plans of moving to Paris... As a childish idea as it might have been, it still gave their hopeless, empty lives a meaning... Something to anticipate for... Something to hold on to...

He still remembered his children's faces seconds before he walked out of the house, a suitcase in his hands... April managed to survive the abortion, but with a dreadful consequence: she wouldn't be able to have any more children... She had caused such a great damaged to her uterus and to her fallopian tubes with the made-at-home abortion, that the doctors considered it a miracle she had managed to survive... But this only made matters worse for the couple... The Wheelers were soon fighting over every little thing, from the rainy weather to the destruction of their dreams and hopes... They blamed each other for every single thing. Soon, they were sleeping in separate beds...

In a few months' time, the little world of Revolutionary Road was more than surprised to find out that such a perfect couple as the Wheelers were taking a divorce... It felt like the world was falling apart to some, but others just didn't pay as much attention.

What hurt both April and Frank the most, though, was the looks they were receiving from their children... After she had found out that she could no longer bring another life to the world, and after she had her uterus completely removed, April became a much more tender mother to her children. And she wasn't pretending, as she did so many times before. She was actually feeling it, something coming from deep within her heart and filling her entire soul with love and devotion she didn't know exist...

Frank remembered very well that, every time after he and April had had a fight, April would go to the children's bedroom to read them stories and sing a lullaby. It had seemed ridiculous to Frank that a mother was still singing lullabies to her children, despite the fact that soon, both of them would go to school... And when he had told his wife so, she had been the one that had asked him to leave the house that instant. "I can't anymore, Frank... I lost an important part of me, and you're not helping at all... Go out. Out, and never dare come back again!"

And that he did... Until he quit his job at Knox, until he could no longer afford the two-storey house he had bought, until he had sold his car to buy a small apartment... His bus on the way back home was always passing by Revolutionary Road, was always passing by his old house... He had seen some changes... There were more flowers in the garden, new curtains on the window frames and he could swear he had seen a male silhouette walking out of the house once... But at eleven o'clock at night, it was hard to figure out who that man could possibly be... Instead, he believed that April had moved on with her life, that she had found a man who- as much as it hurt to say- truly loved her and made her happy... At least, his children would have a father in the house...

That Friday night, though, the moment Frank was reliving those memories, those thoughts in his mind, the bus had still a long way to go until it reached Route 12, or Revolutionary Road... He had some time to watch the passers-by, or those who just stood there, waiting for something... But whomever he dared see, he could swear he was always watching April somewhere, walking around with different men every time... Perhaps it was his mind playing games, or he was still in love with April he was just now beginning to realize it, but... he wouldn't blame her for moving on... He wouldn't blame her for getting married again... She had won the custody of the children, shortly after she had found a decent job at a local theater, sewing the costumes... And with all the love and devotion she had for her daughter and son, it wouldn't seem strange to Frank if she'd like to give her children a "normal" family again... And suddenly, it appeared in front of him... His house... His old house, the pride of Revolutionary Road... It was the same as the last time he had seen it... The same flowers, the same curtains, the same white on the outside... But he had also noticed something new... A car... Did April have another man in her bedroom tonight as well? Or did she buy a car on her own? With everything that had taken place in the last few months, it wouldn't surprise him... April seemed to have turned into an independent woman, despite the fact that the last time he had really seen her was the night she had told him to leave the house...

Once more, he couldn't help but compare... Compare that house to his current one, compare his old life to the new one, compare his happy first years with April to the depressed final ones... For the first time, he thought how it'd feel like... If he dared walk out of the bus in the nearest stop after Revolutionary Road, if he dared walk up to his old house, if he dared ring the bell... What would April look like now? Had her hair still the same length? Had she changed the position of the furniture? Had he re-decorated the interior, so that it reminded her less and less of her failed marriage? Certainly, there was no doubt, that house was far better than his small, filthy apartment... The housework had clearly been April's duty since he could remember, and the awful smell of his dirty clothes and the coffee stains on the furniture made him realize what a stupid man he'd been... Perhaps if he had helped April a little, if he had tried anything to spend more time with her... Perhaps things would be far better then... Perhaps they'd still be married... Happily married, unhappily married, he couldn't be certain... But he certainly knew, his tiny apartment was making him miss April more and more every day...

Most of all, he dreaded the following day... It was agreed that Frank would spend the weekend with the children... Usually, he didn't have any interaction with April, the children were expecting him in the garden, but that Saturday, he was going to see April for the first time since that night... Jennifer had told him that "Mommy would wait outside with us... Perhaps she wants to tell you something...". Then, once more, that sad expression on his children's faces... Michael... His son... April had wanted a second child, for her own, still unknown reasons... He held such a wild resemblance to his mother it was sometime scary... "Daddy", he asked, "do you still love Mommy?"

Frank didn't know what to answer... It was a question unanswerable for him as well... Did he really love her? Or was it more like needing her? Like wanting her? He could remember what her voice sounded like, her eye-color, but were those things just memories, or real, honest feelings? Still, once more, he stared at both his children and nodded. "I do. And so does she... But we couldn't live together anymore...". "But you love each other!", both would scream... They were too young to understand how a marriage worked, too young to know that people were changing, too young to realize that love wasn't all it took for a marriage to work out...

He didn't sleep that night... He couldn't sleep that night... He kept thinking of April... He kept blaming himself for not taking a picture of hers with him... The one they took on their honeymoon, in which she looks at him, a loving smile across her face... It was five months before Jenny was born... How different things were back then... How simpler everything seemed... And how distant...

The Saturday sun had risen... Frank didn't mind dressing up quickly... He needed time... Time to think of what he'd say to April when he met her... Was a "hello" enough? Or should he try to make a friendly conversation? Should he hug her, kiss her cheek, or pretend that they were strangers, never minding all the years they had spent together and their two children?

10.30. That's the time he usually left home... In less than an hour, he was close to his children... The same happened today... But it didn't feel the same... Frank could feel his feet trembling, the same feeling he had felt when he had taken April to his parents for an introduction... He knew he should fight it, he knew it was stress, but there was nothing else he could do that moment...

He finally arrived there... Jennifer and Michael were waiting for him, as usual, sitting on the lawn... His gaze tried to search for April, until he finally found her... Right there, on the small stairs outside the house... She was reading a book, or so it seemed... Perhaps she was still acting, perhaps she was no longer sewing dresses... But she had changed... Her hair was no longer straight, as it had always been... It was curly... To Frank, she seemed the most beautiful woman he had ever seen... He had never imagined April with curly hair... But he had to admit, she looked wonderful... Like an angel on earth...

"Daddy, daddy!". His children run to him. April looked at him... Just a gaze, and then a friendly smile. Just that. Frank saw it, but pretended not to... He was certain that April had noticed him... She walked up to him... The tremble ceased...

"Mommy, that's Daddy!"

"I know, darlings! I know..."

She looked at him once more... Still another friendly smile...

"Why don't you go and wait for me over there?"

He pointed the children a place a few inches away from him and April. He knew he and his ex-wife had something to talk about... Otherwise, it wouldn't seem right...

"How are you, Frank?", she was the first to say...

"I'm doing well... And you?"

"So am I... Where do you live?"

"Quite far... I see you did some changes around here... Did you move on?"

Tears appeared in her eyes. She couldn't hold them back for long. She begun to cry. Frank didn't know whether should he hug her, tell her something, anything...

"I tried... I just can't... Frank, I... I..."

"I'm sorry April... Sorry for everything... For making you sad, for..."

"Don't be. Please. The children are watching..."

"You're right... We'd better go..."

As Frank turned away, he couldn't help but hear to April's voice:

"Have fun!"

Soon after Frank reached the children, he turned to look back at the house... April was gone... Sadness obvious in his eyes, he took his children by the hand and walked away, to the closest bus station... They'd probably go to the nearest amusement park, as they did every Saturday morning.

But Frank didn't notice that April was still in sight... Into the house, staring out from the picture window, tears running down her face...

"I love you, Frank. I'm sorry..."


End file.
